Menceritakan birth story di blog sebenarnya nggak ideal, lho. Apalagi di Instastory dan media sosial sejenis, yang kapasitasnya jauh lebih pendek. Soalnya melahirkan itu peristiwa yang out of this world bagi seorang perempuan. Ajaib banget. Ajaib banget sakitnya, cemasnya, bahagianya, terharunya, sedihnya, dan sejuta kombinasi emosi lain, yang mungkin belum ada namanya di kamus.
Dan cuma si ibu yang bisa merasakan emosi-emosi tersebut sepenuhnya. Ketika perasaan itu diubah menjadi kata-kata, dan dicerna oleh orang lain, maknanya pasti berubah atau tereduksi.
Halo, saya Laila. Dan saya sedang hamil, di usia hampir 38 tahun :’)
Kalau gue mau cerita-cerita soal kehamilan ini, angle yang bisa dipilih ada banyak banget.
Yang paling gampang adalah angle usia. Soalnya, dalam kultur Indonesia yang ageism-nya luar biasa ini, hamil di usia 38 biasanya butuh justifikasi, nih. “Ngapain umur udah mau 40 tahun malah bunting?” gitu kalau kata bude-bude.
Ada juga angle proses kehamilannya sendiri. Soalnya, kehamilan ini diupayakan dengan rada susah payah, lewat program terapi hormon.
Tapi mungkin semua cerita itu bisa buat lain kali, ya. Dalam kesempatan ini, gue akan berbagi soal… WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO A PREGNANT WOMAN’S BODY?!
I’m unfollowing her. And her. And her. They’re good people, but they’re giving me anxieties. Why do they have such tight bodies? They’re my age. They’re my age, right? And they eat like shit. That’s unfair. I don’t eat like shit. Unless on the days when I missed my personal deadlines, and my son's teacher texted me that he hasn't submitted a dozen of his assignments, and my husband just went back on his month-long business trip, and my house's a mess, and I had no one to talk to – really talk to - and I felt empty, and I just wanted to crawl back to my bed and die. Those are Indomie days. And those days are normal, right?
They have a warung Indomie in New York now. Why am I not in New York? Not to go to faux fashion week, but to study. I want to learn more about the world. About its people. I’m capable. At least I believe I’m capable. But society doesn’t think so. When can I be in New York? I’m almost 40. Only yesterday my husband asked me, what are you going to do with that Master's degree you so stubbornly pursue? How much would you make from that degree? He he he. I chuckled along with him, he he he, probably not much. But his question echoed back to me, made me doubt myself a bit more, hate myself a bit more.
Don't hate yourself. Love yourself, they said. Beauty influencers said I need to buy this new serum. Self-love, they said. My Shopee cart is filled with so-called self-loves. Why does her skin so good and her body so tight? How much does a tummy tuck cost? I want to feel better about myself. Will a baby make me feel better about myself? No one talks about miscarriages enough. How are my two fetuses up in heaven? Are you watching Ibu struggle? Sometimes I forgot to think about you, babies. But whenever I do, I remember the pain. Oh, the pain. The burning pain on my vagina, the burning pain inside my heart, detected by the cold ultrasound device on my lifeless tummy. No one talks about miscarriages enough. Please please please God protect this new fetus. I promise I will be good. A good wife. A good mother. A good woman.
Bagi gue, film Soul bukan cuma menghibur, tapi perlu, as it successfully stabbed me right through my, well, soul.
Soul bercerita tentang seorang pianis berusia paruh baya bernama Joe Gardner, yang cinta banget sama musik jazz. Dia kerja serabutan, termasuk jadi guru musik paruh waktu untuk anak-anak SMP. Impian dia adalah jadi musisi jazz full-time. Nggak usah sampai jadi musisi beken, deh. Bisa jadi pianis tetap untuk grup jazz idolanya aja, Joe bakal hepi banget.
"It’s incredibly useful both for us personally and on a historical level to keep a daily record of what goes on around us during difficult times," kata Ruth Franklin, seorang penulis. "Take a moment and make some notes about what's happening. Call it your Coronavirus diary, your plague journal, whatever. It's important. Later, you will want a record."
Seperti yang disarankan oleh banyak penulis dan ahli sejarah, kita sepatutnya punya catatan tentang kehidupan selama pandemi ini. Bukan cuma untuk kelegaan mental diri sendiri, tapi juga untuk catatan sejarah di kemudian hari. Nama saya Laila, dan ini salah satu catatan saya.
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Salah satu akibat internet dan teknologi adalah kehidupan yang serba cepat dan instan, termasuk kehidupan pacaran.
